Lost in Lament

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Its 2 in the morning and I’m dreaming of dreaming
I’m filled till I’m bursting , these words they come streaming
Thoughts only of you , From my mind they are screaming
And then the tears flow  , From my heart they are bleeding

If I had the power Id turn back  some time
And go to that moment when you were still mine
Id caress every sorrow and answer all prayers
Id take back the words that had made you so scared
Id undo the harm that caused you to question
Id unveil the mask that had hid my affections
Id look in your eyes and  steady your breathing
And tell you that I share,  all that your dreaming

I’d strengthen your back with my arms round your side
And hold you and tell you theres never reason to hide
Id talk with you quietly , while you tell me your fears
Id react only lovingly so to cause you no tears
Id carry you proudly when you need me there
and wait for you patiently  when you need some air
I’d adapt to all conflicts and fulfill all your needs
Id be all you wanted and exceed all your dreams

Its three in the morning and I’m ailing from wailing
My throat is so sore , from these feelings I’m airing
And my core is so raw , coz my armor , its failing
I’m lonely and scared , coz its me that I’m baring

I know its just fantasy , I know its all fake
I know that its over , we no longer share fates
But I’ve learned from our past , I see the mistakes
I know who I can be , and now know what it takes
I look to the future , and to new friendships there
Im ready and able to show how I care.

I do have the power , I can affect my own mind
And I will grow stronger , and better with time
I will  no longer hide , I will no longer fear
I can allow someone in , if they want to get near
I will miss you forever , theres no time that I won’t
But I’ll always remember , that its my choice to  hurt.

Its four in the morning , as I stare at the ceiling
I hope for some comfort , some respite from feeling
I am so close to numb now  , and I’m dreaming of being
a part of love again  , with someone new I’ll be seeing

Found my Voice Again

It’s been so long but I found my voice again
Hear me roar , watch me soar
on the whipping winds
My minds wings
take me higher and no more dire
thoughts , can shoot me down again.

I’ve been set free, from the cage I’ve built
to imprison me and the rage I’ve felt.
There’s no longer need for this punishment
I no longer believe
my past cruel judgement and sentence served, has been deserved.

So it’s time for me to once again roar
The way I once used to , way before
I let myself beat me down
Kick me around
Cause me to live in fear, but I will fight back
I will persevere.

I’ve been looking for a savior.
Should be looking in the mirror
It’s not upon anyone else
to look after my own health
But I found my voice again
and I will roar , and I will soar
and be my own best friend.

By Kevin Beary

Letter :

Do you remember that time you were happy ?
I am writing to remind you what happened.
The fleeting thoughts , you thought were lost are here in this sappy and sad soliloquy I’ve fashioned

It was years ago …
when the nighttime’s spilled into day ,
when you wouldn’t know
whom next to you lay, when your manic thoughts felt like genius, before she charmed her way between us and burned it all away

Those days you were invincible though you vowed you would die young; Did you anticipate this crucible that crushed those feelings numb?

All those moments when your synapses arced on high , all those moments you would never let pass by , gone now , and your mouth has gone dry, while you wait for your next dose , and watch life pass you by.

The perspective of time muddies as much as it reveals, and wounds fester and distort rather than heal , and what you believe today was definitely swayed from when those memories were made and what rot has since been laid.

So, do you remember that time when you were happy , when that slate was still clean , when your dreams had meaning and a chance to succeed ? Before idealism was ground to a nub , from the constant reality rub ; Do you think you could get there again? I wish you would begin…

… cont’d

Come with me

Come. Lets get LOST
and cross that line
you thought you could never get across
Put your hand in mine, and find
yourself again
Let this be the start , Lets begin
living life for yourself , for your count too
Living for everyone else ; Where does that leave you ?

Its time to be
who you are really
No more need to pretend, I’m here to send
you towards something that feels- just right
no need to fight, I’ve wiped away the appeals
to keep you here.

Put your faith in me and let go of your fears
Regain your identity and
remember who you were before the affairs
of the heart became responsibility
Eventually you will no longer scare
so easily

Did you hope i wouldn’t see your scars ?
Isn’t it better I did , without judgement ?
I know this is hard
and you’re reluctant
but I’m here too , and i’m not giving up on you

How are you supposed to know
you are happy , when no-one’s ever shown
what life is past the
day to day doldrums
‘asking you to hold them
above yourself yet again
Its time for that to end.

Come. Grab me now , hold on
Lets go for a ride
you know you’ve been long-ing
to fly
It’s time to cross that line
Leave this place behind
Don’t look back- with me , you will be fine
Come. Put your hand in mine.

By Kevin Beary

This poem is about you

I don’t show it anymore
coz I forgot how to
But if you weren’t really sure
I do love you

The rawness and the realness
of my feelings are true
the intensity of which
would really surprise you

I maybe be damaged and all , but that has sharpened my awareness
That love is most important of all , and I no longer am careless
and this heart that’s been ravaged, loves stronger and more savage
I feel it in my core , and I love fiercer for it all the more

For so long now , I’ve been in a cocoon
A prison I’ve built , I hide in this womb
and though it gets lonely, I don’t bear it alone
because my thoughts are with all of you
and this you should have known

Forgive my inability and clumsiness of expression
The poor delivery , really doesn’t lessen
the caring,
that doesn’t show itself in every day dealings
but when I’m alone with my thoughts of you
my heart overflows with such feelings

Our interactions in my head , I can anticipate
Our conversations and closeness , you would appreciate
I only know of one way to express this truth
and its in my mind , when I am with you

When you’re always looking for something
that you no longer have , you lose sight
of the things that you do

And if you think this poem is about you
You’re not being vain. It is…true.

By Kevin Beary

The Good Days

I still catch glimpses,slight glances
of better days
I still think this – might pass if
I concentrate

It takes but a stray thought , a speculation
of a misery
And I’m thrown off – of any elation
within memory

Life is loss ,life is suffering
Must remind myself
When I’m lost, that’s not everything
‘Tis just a mindset

But sometimes the span of time
Between the lines
Of when you felt high , of when you feel fine
Seems so far behind

Need to remember , need a reminder
There are good days
And till then ya – should be kinder
To your memories

There is always hope, for healing
of the wounds
Just need to roll , until feeling
good resumes

By Kevin Beary

The Spiral

It’s hard to let go of the suffering
when its the most familiar friend
When I let my mind go wandering
it always comes back with him.
I used to be able to shake myself loose
There was a time I could more easily refuse
to be dragged down again

But I’m afraid this time , I may find that I

Dug too deep a hole , and the sides are caving in
Can’t get out the way I used to; the paths worn thin
Don’t know if demons are real
But I do know how they feel
and they’re inside this hole within

If you could read my mind
your eyes would fill with tears
and you might suffocate
from breathing in my fears
You may get crushed by the weight
of my emotional debris

Looking through the eyes of the broken
you can finally see

How intensely uncomfortable, it can be,to be me
To walk in my shoes, is like walking in glue
and why bother , when there’s no purpose or
place to be

Don’t know if demons are real
but we do know how they feel
if you understood this completely

By Kevin Beary –

Its all up to you

Comfortability is a cage that you must
Break free from
Fear is a deceitful enemy ; Don’t believe
the lies,
Hate is the heaviest burden to carry ,
let it go
Forgiveness is a selfish act ; Forgive
and be free.
Love is not fear of loneliness , that’s codependence
Love yourself
Hope is a most loving companion, love it back
and never be alone again.

By Kevin Beary

The Attitude of Gratitude

Sometimes gratitude has an attitude.
It doesn’t appreciate attempts to ameliorate
the circumstances of happenstance,
that landed us here , abandoned us near
to happiness ; but closer to the uneasiness
that invades our thoughts : makes us distraught,
and blinds recognition of our fortunate situation.
So instead we dwell , lost in the trivial.
And we know it’s wrong, but we tend to prolong
the negative perceptions – affecting reflection.

It takes devotion to invoke positive emotion;
To feel contentment instead of resentment
and avoid reluctance to reach acceptance
of our conditions, instead of wishing
for other fortunes , or another’s portion
of life’s blessings – because of poorly accessing
the wondrous abundance already in possession.
Don’t take for granted your great advantage
of knowing these truths , as I’ve stressed them to you;
To actively improve, the attitude of gratitude.

By Kevin Beary

Keep Knocking

I’m Knocking on the door of a new day
Out of breath, from the last one – ran away
But tomorrow , I vow to not lay waste 
to the landscape of my mind ; I defaced 

For that was yesterday 
And I’m at the door of a new day

Need to keep betting on myself to shine
For its up to me to control my mind 
And not let it again slip into despair 
’cause there is still time for me to repair

The regrets from the yesterdays 
And open the door to the new days

Today’s heated problems are hardest to solve
Be drawn through the fire – tempered resolve
For most of these are just temporary 
can be diluted by time , don’t worry

Clear it out , allow good things to make way
’cause you’re so close to that door of a new day

For there will always be another smile 
The wait – it will always be worthwhile 
And you will always have another laugh
And for that short while let it wipe the past

For you are at the dawn of a new day
Let it be the start of a new way 

Just keep knocking on that door – Keep banging at that door 

By Kevin Beary

Thoughts

Thoughts
like knives, pierce my heart, slash my mind
tearing me open, forever to remind
of the sharpest thought of all;
The permanence of
Never Again.
Slays me over
and over
again
How to begin ?

The hardest part of it all
is finding meaning in my fall
You must find yourself, they say
All you need to do, is go and find your way
for life is beatiful , and this I agree
but its always someone else’s – beauty
Theres none left for me
Seen from the eyes of the beaten
it all just looks grey

Going throught the motions, without any emotion
numb within and without
does it matter, where i am now ?
Wherever here is, there is no doubt
i’m lost in my head with no way out
Its just easier to stay away
Don’t really have much to say,
when nothing changes
it’s just another day…

Thoughts
like daggers,cut so deep, rips my soul
tearing me, never to be whole
destined from the start;
To live with a
Broken Heart
This slays me over
and over
again
When will it end ?

Reach Out ?

They always say , why didn’t they
reach out ? But reach out to who?
Reach out to you ?
And burden with what? Theres always a glut
of responsibility to bear
Who has shoulders to spare ? And who’s got the time ? There’s few who could ever find.
And how long since you’ve talked?
We often have to chalk
it up to life getting in the way; Hasn’t it been a dogs age ?
And how uncomfortable is it to stay :To make that small talk , to get to the real thoughts , share some real things and get to some meaning.
And you don’t want to be that one; that person whom is always glum.
No , “Everything is great.”
We lie ’cause we cant say it.
Its impossible to share. How do you express despair ?
How do you show whats numb ? Few see where your coming from.
And then how do you relate with someone that never ached ? At least not like you in your mind , ones mental health cant be defined, and if you really try to share , all you really do is scare , and you don’t want to hurt no more, no one ,
not them , not you , so that makes it more a chore , than reaching out is worth, and anyway, it rarely ever works.
Who’s got answers to things you cant describe ? What help can anyone really provide ?
So you white-knuckle it again, so you don’t burden a friend
so you don’t extinguish another’s light , and add guilt to your night – thoughts , where you get lost
and hope the next new day washes away
the pain. So you never have to reach out again

By Kevin Beary

Look

Look. She stares at the mirror , her nose and eyes all red, with the events of the evening swimming in her head.
She wipes her tears , remembering what was said:

How many more times must we fight this fight ? How many more times must you insist you’re right?
Can’t you just listen and try to relate , Instead of feeling like you should escalate ?

I’m trying to talk , to get you to listen , and all you can do is react and threaten.
My words fill up the space between us
When closer , they were… meant to bring us

Do you truly wish to push me away ? Because that’s what will happen to us one day,
and don’t you even dare
to say
you didn’t see it coming , it was there
for all to see.

There was a time when I came first
but now I feel like I am the worst
thing that happened to you, like I’m a curse
A burden you must bear , one you no longer care
to keep …
I dream at night while you sleep
as my mind wanders I often weep
dreaming of a time when I knew you were mine
And wasn’t forced to question , was privy to your intentions,
and there was an air of love that floated me above all the cares of the world, because I was your girl.

But those days are gone , those feelings lost
you never realized how much it cost
when you ground me down , when you simply shut off.
We never talked ’cause we could never talk,and now I feel like I must walk.
And when I say goodbye , you will act like
you don’t know why, but the signs were there , if you just cared
to Look.

Sweet Sorrow

Some say sorrow is sweet
Sweeter than the sublime
Intimately discreet
this sadness is all mine
 
Sadness sings of joy passed
Embrace the truth in full
for sorrow never lasts
and without – life is dull
 
The truth that sorrow sows
a field of quaint despair
Seductive sadness grows
in me and my affair
 
An addict of sadness,
I’ll seek again tomorrow
wearing my madness – like
a silken shroud of sorrow
 
I’ll hide the day away
dressed in such attire
Comfortable I’ll stay
Alone. Deeply mired
 
Solitarily sad , Deliriously mad
Sweet sorrow , sweet sorrow – be glad
 
One must have lived and loved
to have sadness so deep
cause only a loss of
such – cause sorrow to creep
 
I sing these notes of woe
I’m lost in my lament
but I treat as hallow
my sorrows innocence
 
Sorrow heralds healing
just like a trumpet blast
Get lost in this feeling
few others will surpass
 
Sorrow digs out the well
so deep within ones soul,
to allow joy to fill
and one again feel whole
 
Sadness lengthens the day
in sleep , dreams will follow
that would cause one to say,
“Cherish your sad tomorrow!”
 
Tomorrow , Tomorrow , be sad
Sweet Sorrow , Sweet Sorrow – be Glad

By Kevin Beary

The Change you Make

See , it’s not all doom and gloom and heartache
There are countless paths that you can take
If Change you want , its Your life to remake
If you’ve been sleeping , its time to awake
That drive you once had, that thirst to slake
You can have it again , no need to fake
Do it now ! Before it becomes too late
Before keeping up the illusion becomes too much to take
And the walls that protected you begin to break
Make it real, to your core , inviolate
Its’ all up to you so don’t hesitate
Take your life in your hands, make it great
No more head in the sand, its time to create
A new world as whole , not resigned to Fate
Because if its Change you want
Change you must Make.

By Kevin Beary