Trapped Soul

Trapped Soul

The Man
In the tapestry
Screams
Lost Breath
Caught in his throat
Frozen , Timeless
A thread
it hangs ..
Longer and L o n g e r
The unraveling of a man
continues
throughout the years
His old soul
grows cold
the thread is
heaped
upon the dusty floor
Free !!!
Kevin Beary
Reprint 4/2/09 old blog

 

Lost in Lament

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Its 2 in the morning and I’m dreaming of dreaming
I’m filled till I’m bursting , these words they come streaming
Thoughts only of you , From my mind they are screaming
And then the tears flow  , From my heart they are bleeding

If I had the power Id turn back  some time
And go to that moment when you were still mine
Id caress every sorrow and answer all prayers
Id take back the words that had made you so scared
Id undo the harm that caused you to question
Id unveil the mask that had hid my affections
Id look in your eyes and  steady your breathing
And tell you that I share,  all that your dreaming

I’d strengthen your back with my arms round your side
And hold you and tell you theres never reason to hide
Id talk with you quietly , while you tell me your fears
Id react only lovingly so to cause you no tears
Id carry you proudly when you need me there
and wait for you patiently  when you need some air
I’d adapt to all conflicts and fulfill all your needs
Id be all you wanted and exceed all your dreams

Its three in the morning and I’m ailing from wailing
My throat is so sore , from these feelings I’m airing
And my core is so raw , coz my armor , its failing
I’m lonely and scared , coz its me that I’m baring

I know its just fantasy , I know its all fake
I know that its over , we no longer share fates
But I’ve learned from our past , I see the mistakes
I know who I can be , and now know what it takes
I look to the future , and to new friendships there
Im ready and able to show how I care.

I do have the power , I can affect my own mind
And I will grow stronger , and better with time
I will  no longer hide , I will no longer fear
I can allow someone in , if they want to get near
I will miss you forever , theres no time that I won’t
But I’ll always remember , that its my choice to  hurt.

Its four in the morning , as I stare at the ceiling
I hope for some comfort , some respite from feeling
I am so close to numb now  , and I’m dreaming of being
a part of love again  , with someone new I’ll be seeing

I Love Spring

Perfect weather and sun for an after work Hike/Walk/Run through the Laurel Marsh Trail(3.5 miles) Manchester/East Hartford , along the hockanum river.  I noted a small area that looked like a beaver dam , and I’m thinking , nahh theres no beavers here …..sure enough 15 seconds later , I see one pop out from under water …………..Got some pics here and the video on my web  site – Pretty Neat

Happy Mothers Day !

I want to wish an intimate Happy Mothers Day to all the moms who have touched my life. To my friends who are moms ; you are all beautiful. To my friends who are expecting and/or just gave life ; you will make wonderful mothers. To the moms of my friends, whom in my youth , smiled patiently at me , despite the conspiratorial corruption I engaged in with their children.  Today, I remember you.  To All my ex’es moms, who treated me motherly despite there skepticism ; I think of you today. To the moms no longer with us , who have touched my heart, I have not forgotten you. To the grand-moms,  mine and others in my life, who guided their children to properly raise children. This day is yours. To my mom , who did her best and it turned out alright. Happy Mothers Day , MOM.
I thank you all for the thankless tasks you have endured, and for the love you have shown me , despite having no guarantees of reciprocation. You are all wonderful women and I am blessed to have had you in my life.

Happy Mothers Day.

Its the Economy Stupid.

Its the Economy , Stupid.

An investment manager friend told me that no matter what he does with his clients money , he is always wrong. In our down economy , if he decides to pull 50 percent out of the market and the market does drop: Well he didn`t pull enough out. If it rises , he took out too much. “I wish I had a crystal ball” , wails my friend.
I started thinking about this and decided that he was wrong. A crystal ball would be very bad for the investors !
Sure , it might start off all grand and wonderful , but eventually exuberance will outweigh common sense. (Can you say irrational exuberance) The proprietor of said ball will inevitably get greedy. He may start pulling family and friends in;  Recommend selling off safe assets ,or borrowing from credit cards to invest in the crystal ball infused scheme.
The market will rise in the areas of all the good bets.  Investors without a ball,  will inevitably notice how well some stocks are doing,  and continue to drive up the price creating a bubble. This bubble will burst. Ball holders may anticipate this and pull out in time ;  But at what expense to the market , and the economy and other investors ? Eventually that crystal ball will only tell you  not to invest in the market that the ball ironically destroyed. Thats NOT a boon for investors.
And how long do you think this crystal ball would remain secret. Come on , Iran can`t even keep nuclear secrets,  and they are VERY secretive. Iraq couldn`t keep its secrets about hidden weapons of massive destruction……oh wait …bad example. Obama couldn`t keep the secret that he thinks Kenye West is a jackass , despite his abuse of official power ,  attempting to censor the press. “Come on guys , cut the president some slack and don`t print that , I have a lot on my plate today”
So we know that eventually the crystal ball will no longer be secret. The powerful will find a way to benefit at the expense of everyone else , outrageous bonuses will be handed out right after the layoff announcements. Unemployment, High gas prices , queues for bread etc ; will ensue.
Then the chinese will figure out how to reverse engineer it and sell it on the black market. It will be about this time that the burst bubble will become a supernova sucking everything in causing chaos and anarchy and religious fanaticism. The apocalypse is here.
Stupid idea , that crystal ball.

Reprint from old blog  10/09

Dramatically Grammatical

Tis not , a flight of fancy , not unknown
A grammatical sin
of cliche , uttered doubly wrong.

As it is wrong to ever split an infinitive
one can see the impending conundrum
Because no sentence fragments.
and Don`t no negatives gravitate
towards prepositions that end their sentences with.

Damn ! All explanation points !!!
and non-stop continuous redundancies , ever frustrate
most minds of men , made alliterate

As this tragedy befalls ,not the happy man
yet upon a fallible but virtuous soul
where happiness is wrest from his hold,
or rather…. sadness , brought upon his own.

KB 3/16/05 – reprinted from http://www.kasualkafe.com/poetry.htm

Living for The Moment

We spend our best years preparing for our worst.  We squander our youth and health and potential for the sake of our “golden years”; The time of our lives that are generally typified by deteriorating health , limited physical ability , and a mental tendency to countdown to the end.
Instead of living for the now , we work for the future.  This may not apply to those lucky few who found right livelihood and consider their work fulfilling and in accordance with their life purpose.  The majority of us back into our jobs , careers and relationships unintentionally  ; Unaware of the path that lead there and unmindful of the repercussions that minor choices and happenstance bear upon ones life development.  Many people spend much of their time rationalizing and believing in the temporariness of their current situations , not realizing that many of the roads have now been closed to them.

I’m not saying that there is never any possibility to drastically change ones circumstances, life path, or destination, I’m just saying that they rarely do such.  A detailed and exhuastive investigation into ones life would sleuth out the reasons and situations that caused someone to be where someone ended up.
Realization of this human propensity is a gift typically given only to those that have had earlier opportunities pass them by.  They are generally past that idealic age , that heady time of energy, Idealism, and potential – paired with indecision , inexperience and a lack of wisdom.  The attractiveness of youth is sloughed off by the pumice of wisdom.  It scratches at the supple skin , slowly catching and dragging its shape downward ,  removing the shine of idealism and grinding potential to a nub.
Time as water , is the universal solvent.  All things are powerless against its eroding effects.  It resolves all things given a quantity of it.
Living for the moment doesn’t need to be hedonistic.  One just needs to be cognizant of the moment , simple awareness is a step.  One must be fearless in regards to making decisions that will cause happiness both in the present moment and the future.  Measuring all things by this rule as well as only doing the things that are moral or useful or bring joy. Such is the way to live at any age.

ski weekend

Up to stratton mountain with AJ (my boy up from Charleston for this ski trip)  and Kyle. We do the night out bar thing (good times) , wake up a little hungover and drag ass to the mountain. It was negative 10 with the wind chill and the wind was a good 20 mph blowing all the loose snow at us while we hung in the air on the lift (which took a 40min wait on line for this privilege). We did one run and got a refund. Good times.

An Aside –  This was my first ski trip this year because of cancellations of previous ski plans for various reasons.  A few months ago , I pulled all my ski gear from my shed and loaded my car with it , in anticipation of my first trip.  We get to the mountain which is PACKED despite the ridiculous weather.  Its presidents day weekend and families abound.  I pull into a corner cubby room to put on my ski sweater, boots and other ski paraphernalia.  I pull my sweater out of my bag and see that the bottom of it is all chewed up , and has some wood shavings scattered on it.  Damn , I got attacked by a mouse.  I then grab my boots and open up the bindings and stretch out the flaps in anticipation of squeezing a foot into these god-forsaken tight boots.  During this struggle an acorn drops to the floor , devoid of its tell-tale crown.  Confused , I put the boot down on its side to pick up the acorn.  A dozen more acorns fall out my boot and roll across the floor.  Aghast , I dump the boot upside down and no less than 30 some-odd acorns , without their heads , bounce upon the floor like scattered marbles ….. Oh My God !! My boot was infested by a squirrel , I look inside to see if there is anything else and ….SHIT — I toss the boot onto the ground ….damn !! What looked like a dead petrified animal sticking up at me was simply a grey nest of yarn , most likely crafted from another clothing item from my bag.  Freaked me out.  I tentatively stick my hand and arm in boot to remove any other offending obstructions , fully expecting to feel a dead squishy , or a live bitey.  Nothing.  I squeeze my foot into the boot.  Kyle and AJ , separately walk into this room , to be given the story.  I point to the pile of acorns I pushed and piled in a corner of the room.  Each time I described the story for my friends, a fellow ski-dresser exclaimed, ”  I was wondering what the heck that was about.”  These people come into the room , see this pile of acorns , and are wracking their brain , “Why the hell are a few dozen bald acorns neatly pushed into the corner of this changing room , Why ?”

Vacation Plans

I’m in the process of planning my first solo vacation. I got some good ideas from facebook friends.  I decided on Costa Rica.

I had my plans adjusted for me a  bit, so my plan thus far is that next week im going to LA to meet brian gruber who is flying into the states from Baku.  We are gonna stay with my boy Brando  in LA and then shoot down to Brians friends house in  Rosarito mexico for a few days , with a stop in San Diego  prior to flying out of the states.
I will then commence my solo trip and I decided on Costa Rica. I was really tempted by belize , but have been unduly influenced by some friends that recently stayed in costa rica.  Kyle may fly in for a few days in the middle of my solo trip so that should be cool.I’m thinking that europe trip will be next year when I have a little more practice of solo travel under my belt.    I like the idea of a costa rican adventure; I know a little spanish , there are a lot of ex-pats for instant friends and plenty of lose-yourself activities , I’m looking forward to renting an ATV and exploring the land , and I want to visit the jungle.  I booked the LA part , am still putting together the Costa Rica part.
Being alone is better than wishing you were alone ; Lonely planet says , more often than not , going solo , you tend to meet more people and do more things than when going as a couple.

Contemplations of Love

Love is rarely boundless, hesitant reservations still exist in even the most requited relationships.  Permanence is not guaranteed.  Once all potential has diminished to an equal amount compared to ambition, then and only then are the boundaries broadened.  It’s this equilibrium whereupon the foundation of a selfless love can be built.  Prior, there is always a refusal to give oneself fully, even if this reluctance is unknown to the parties involved.

This platform I describe is rarely laid before middle age.     This lends itself as agreement to early philosophical belief that the young cannot know happiness. A full life of experience must first be realized.    One must have passed that moment in their life when the anxiety of ones insecure personal conviction to the relationship is relieved by final faithful acceptance and then cemented into permanence.

It must also coincide with the belief that their partner has reached this same state.  If these plateaus are not reached, the state of flux will always play a factor in the quality of personal happiness each shall experience.

Kevin Beary

Beauty and The Devil

The boast of a man may undo me , and break that charm wished upon me , mortally and permanently.  My father , that adoring fool , in his overreaching affection , has boasted to the king, ‘her youth and  beauty is so great , that her tears alone can restore vigor and health ; It can recapture lost youth upon their drinking.’ I can only hope that the King is not a worse fool for believing it.” Continue reading