The past, it hangs on, like a lead weight on my heart; yet I won’t let it go, I can’t release it. Those times of my youth, never to be relived, the loves, never to be felt in the same way.
This life, nothing like the past and it never shall be. The feel of it is lost. Those people I once knew, are no more – scattered , altered , their feelings conflicted in this new age.
Some flashes, moments of clear remembrances, a deja-vu of the mind only, punch me in the gut. Quick as it comes, I feel it leave, slipping away, I grasp helplessly,I want it back. Don’t Go.
My feelings, an alien invasion of my body, moves through me, tightening , gripping and pulling with every thought of a time I miss. These memories have claws.
Those yearnings, no more. The achievements and experiences once longed for are no longer a priority , or in some ways , even considered desirable. That future never existed.
Other memories, those filled with bitter regret , the ones that changed the path and brought me here instead of that rosy place where I conceive I should be. I will never know.
This person , a new being, listless and unmotivated , moves throughout the day between the chapters of life , avoiding any annotation or bookmark. There is nothing to see here.
The present, like a new timeline, seem dull and devoid of life in comparison. Mundane moments, that existed then and still exist now, just don’t compare. These are numbing.
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I care Kevin!!! Yes, memories have claws…yet, what is the purpose of the clawing? What does it want you to see? That my friend is where the lesson lies in order for you move forward. Your purpose in life is not tied to what happened in your life, it is continuously defined as you move through the SHIT life throws at you…. to set you up for what is ahead, what is next on the horizon… The lessons can not reveal themselves if you keep looking at the doors to the past… Yet, this requires willingness to learn the lessons and be willing to move through the clawing….. Chaos precedes grace… If you need help getting to grace, I am here for you!! Call anytime 310-751-4400
p.s. Is that Titus in the picture?
Thank you Laina. You are an insightful and beautiful human being and I know I could call you. Enjoy new years , I had to back out of going coz my buddy out there is out of the country.
Yes , that is Titus, He is one of my revolving pictures on my site.