About Kevin Beary

I have lived and I plan on doing more of it.

Negative Thoughts

Negative thoughts , oh negative thoughts
they’re grinding me , blinding me
distorting my reality

Giving up ain’t always a conscious decision
and when the solution’s
more painful then the situation
-its easy to run
When the truth of yourself is known to no one

When getting up is a chore and filled with dread
Sweating your mouth dry and clutching the bed
Make it all disappear ,
Fake it all ’til your clear
exorcise all your demons
Before dealing with your fellow humans
How many masks must we wear
to get thru the day ?
Its why the lonely seek solitude
and run away

You know your low when your comfort zone
has shrunk to points unknown
When every day happenings fall outside its scope
When all that your feeling is some negative trope

When you got old without growing up ,
u chased the dream , but had to give up
And you don’t have the tools to make the transition
and you find yourself constantly wishing
you can go back without this depression
you’ve paid enough for this lesson

Negative thoughts , oh negative thougts
They’re grinding me , blinding me
Distorting my reality

A happy grunge song by Kevin Beary

Draft

When you think of me do u cry , do u try
to truly remember what it was like , when it was right ?
do u catch yourself when you recall what was wrong , its been so long and we’re gone and its gone
coz that what i do , when i’m thinking of you
and i dwell and i dwell and i relive my hell.
tripping over memories in my head , that i thought were dead, after all that’s been done and all that’s been said.

caught between wishing for what we had, and embracing where ive been lead and made my bed , well i’ve made my bed.
its been an interesting journey as i sweep up the ashes , and tend to the lashes and deal with my crashes.

well the scars of the heart are symbols of battles fought. the tougher that skin , the more battles u were in, and are about to begin
the lonely wind blows time past , what i thought would last, just could never last. Do you feel that blast ; That cold breath of life gone past ?

I scream whyyy !! when things don’t go my way , and today’s another day , i’ve got that same thing to say. And try as i might, i fight every night , to take that next step , to let in new light. But just when u think u r close , they pull away and leave u there to sway.

So much baggage is gathered , and it matters when it splatters all that is new. The chances are few, as time will chew on you ; And then my past , which is you, continues to screw with all i run into. Its not always them , sometimes its you.

When they talk with me , and they try, and they pry
to truly understand what makes me tick , what makes me pick , the things i say quick.
And though i sigh , i do try to let them inside, but then i hide and i hide and rarely confide.
There is a truth i can share , but i don’t dare. i protect it with such care, its not fair coz they cant compare.

These little slices – have made me weak

Steal away , run away with me
We don’t need to wait for the light
Quick , before we change our minds

We have this night , this moment in time
Lets make a memory
That won’t get stale in the retelling

My protections are imaginary
Cut me deep , make me mortal
Do it quickly ‘fore I lose my nerve

Save me now, for this moment
I am yours if you catch me right here
We can live our lives in these small moments

The sun is coming up
Rising too quickly – shearing the shadows
Where I bared my soul

I Miss Love

I miss love ….SO MUCH. Its heartbreaking to feel like you will never again have that feeling of being loved and loving back. I want love,  I want it so badly. And when i think of it , I think of you , and when i think of you in that way,  my heart drops and I’m crushed all over again.  Seems to be no span of time that allows me to miss it less and not feel its ache. Sometimes I feel like I can’t bear it but I still wake up every morning and start again ; to distract myself from the one thing i really want. Companionship and Love. I wish I didn’t have to experience such a harsh lesson – losing you – to come to this realization.

<wrote these thoughts in 2012 – decided to share now>

KB

Love sets you free ?

I’ve been walking alone
for five long years
Always looking back
at my path of tears

They say it sets you free,
but not for me
Its hand on my neck-
pushed under the sea

Take just one taste
Just one bitter swallow
Thats’all it takes;
to the bottom I follow

One day I’ll wake up;
Its time to move on
Some day i’ll make up
the time that has gone

I am done with this journey to nowhere
To a new place of peace , I must go there
The world is filled with new  places to be
I am not stuck , if I aim to be free

By Kevin Beary 

Only Once did she Say Goodbye

I`ve Heard you cry but have never seen the tears
I`ve watched you Lie
You lie so sweetly behind a smile


When I look into your eyes
I can see that you love me
But its just not the same
Its more like being friendly
I wish I could change
The way you feel about me


Say tonight , you`ll be mine
But anger and despair , you throw at me
Its not meant for me
Give it to whom it belongs ..Please
I`m just a child, hoping for your hand
Come back to me , your heads in the clouds
You don`t see clearly- As for me
I`ll just be here


I thought that I knew you
You`ve told me your wants and fears
You`ve said that you love me
But afraid to let me close
You don`t want me to go ….or Stay
I still don`t know you
Or just don`t understand


Shes my girl, shes my love
She just doesn`t know
Her moods swing my heart
Beating Rapidly
Dreaming Wildly
Its my head in the clouds
Looking down at her, the beauty on solid ground
KB

  • By Kevin Beary – written 20th century 

Untitled and Unspoken

——————————————————————————-
I hold you so lofty
they say I am crazy
To love only one girl
they say I am lazy

I just – don’t  ever
want to let go
I don’t think  – anyone
can really know
Who we were together , much less – apart
And how badly torn,  and broken – our hearts

I’d kiss you so softly
if I had just one moment
I’d love you so gently
if I had one moment more

Maybe – one day
someone will see
Who I am –deep down
The real me
And for you – I hope so , too
Someone – like I did , gets to know u

After all, that’s all we all want , when all is said and all is done
To be known , and know that no one truly knows us , but one
————————————————————————

My First Haiku’s

SPRING 

Ripples cross the pond
Lulls the lily – gentle bob
Crash upon the shore

Pale lilac petals
Break free and tumble and toss
Sweet scent in the air

A bloated cloud floats
Straining from its heavy load
Ozone breathes on me

The snap of a bough
A shrieking blue jay takes flight
The moon glows silent

Swift brush of an arm
Harried people rushing by
Trees sway in the breeze

Canto CLXVIII

The pines , the vines
It climbs , for shine
It gropes , it hopes
The rope , it chokes

The breeze , they tease
the trees , the leaves
They stutter , they flutter
The ground , they cover

1-6180339877The ground , its crowned
The mound , is browned
to earth , its worth
Brings forth , re-birth

The sun, so fun
The days begun
The rays , it sprays
But once its done

The moon , too soonIMG_0916
It swoons , it ruins
The light , too slight
No might, the sight

The dark , so stark
It harks , it marks
The night , in spite
It smites , the light

Chapman Falls - Devils Hopyard State Park
The water , moons daughter
It wanders, its borders
It flows , it knows
It glows , it shows

The night , turns white
The light , so bright
The moon , is gone
The dawn’s , re-born

Cursed Sight

I look through my strangled eyes,  all I ever see is gloom
Flowers seem to fade away , refuse to even bloom
the Emptiness it fills me , like a hot air balloon
Darkness overtakes me , on a summers after-noon

I can hear the preachers say

Don’t give up
just kneel and pray

But the Voice is so far away

I heed it not
so here I stay

Under the withering sky , I wait to die – I pray to Die

My nightmares be-come real to me, in the light of day
The Hopelessness of reality , seems to light my way
I’m lost and befuddled , so I wallow here in pain
Submerged in my troubles , my will has been drained

But I can hear the prophets say

The son has came
to light the way

But where is he on this day

He’s left me here
in misery

And on through the black pitch of night , I tremble in fright – I tremble in Fright

Breathing the night through me , I exhale only blame
Hiding from light , you see, it exposes all my shame
It’s cold and dark to me , always winter always night
I see Time as it withers thee , and all else in my Sight

And I can hear the priestess say

Don’t give up
just follow me

But through my eyes
she fades away

For Beauty , I can not see

And on through the starless night , I hide my eyes – I hide my Eyes

I cover my strangled eyes , with my palms of dying flesh
afraid to see our demise, my cursed sight still left unblessed
In my heart love can’t arise , my unclean wounds still too fresh
Whoever could hear my cries , an issue left unaddressed

I hear no more voices today

I’ve given up
I’ve turned away

And my epitaph will say

A bitter man
below does lay

And on through the dead of night , I close my eyes  – I Close my eyes …

Kevin Beary – song circa 1988

Scraps of paper on the bottom of a drawer

is where I found this musing : at least 15-20 years old

She’s strongest in shadows
such as a creature of night
Like an innocent baby’s grip
she’s got inestimable might

Her heart is a bottomless well
incapable of overflowing
a fountain of love
that she doesn’t  mind showing

She’ll never compete
but will wind up on top
She’ll deny there’s a race
but she still won’t stop

Her surface demeanor
is a clever disguise
but there’s guile and cunning
behind them beautiful eyes

Her smiles reveal
not a hint of her plan
she can wait if she wants
she can have any man

Happy New Year

I can’t help but noticing all the positive happy new year 2014 posts on facebook. It seems that many have bemoaned 2013 as a not so great year but look forward to the fresh slate of 2014. I wonder if this is the same sentiment as years before , and years before that. Anyway. I will hop on the hopeful merry band wagon and declare 2014 to be the happy year I was hoping the previous years would be.
This doesn’t sound as upbeat as I intended , but its the truth as I see it. I do have a number of goals that I am hoping to be able to meet or come close enough, for their positive affect to be felt. I am going to pull a trick I used once upon a time to stick to goals , and that is to re-up those goals throughout the year. 3/15 6/15 and 9/1 work for me. Change of seasons and all that.

2014- This will be the year.

Memories Have Claws

The past, it hangs on, like a lead weight on my heart; yet I won’t let it go, I can’t release it. Those times of my youth, never to be relived, the loves, never to be felt in the same way.
All gone.

This life, nothing like the past and it never shall be. The feel of it is lost. Those people I once knew, are no more – scattered , altered , their feelings conflicted in this new age.
Been changed.

Some flashes, moments of clear remembrances, a deja-vu of the mind only, punch me in the gut. Quick as it comes, I feel it leave, slipping away, I grasp helplessly,I want it back. Don’t Go.

My feelings, an alien invasion of my body, moves through me, tightening , gripping and pulling with every thought of a time I miss. These memories have claws.
It hurts.

Those yearnings, no more. The achievements and experiences once longed for are no longer a priority , or in some ways , even considered desirable. That future never existed.
Never will.

Other memories, those filled with bitter regret , the ones that changed the path and brought me here instead of that rosy place where I conceive I should be. I will never know.
It’s done.

This person , a new being, listless and unmotivated , moves throughout the day between the chapters of life , avoiding any annotation or bookmark. There is nothing to see here.
I’m invisible.

The present, like a new timeline, seem dull and devoid of life in comparison. Mundane moments, that existed then and still exist now, just don’t compare. These are numbing.
Who cares?