They always say , why didn’t they
reach out ? But reach out to who?
Reach out to you ?
And burden with what? Theres always a glut
of responsibility to bear
Who has shoulders to spare ? And who’s got the time ? There’s few who could ever find.
And how long since you’ve talked?
We often have to chalk
it up to life getting in the way; Hasn’t it been a dogs age ?
And how uncomfortable is it to stay :To make that small talk , to get to the real thoughts , share some real things and get to some meaning.
And you don’t want to be that one; that person whom is always glum.
No , “Everything is great.”
We lie ’cause we cant say it.
Its impossible to share. How do you express despair ?
How do you show whats numb ? Few see where your coming from.
And then how do you relate with someone that never ached ? At least not like you in your mind , ones mental health cant be defined, and if you really try to share , all you really do is scare , and you don’t want to hurt no more, no one ,
not them , not you , so that makes it more a chore , than reaching out is worth, and anyway, it rarely ever works.
Who’s got answers to things you cant describe ? What help can anyone really provide ?
So you white-knuckle it again, so you don’t burden a friend
so you don’t extinguish another’s light , and add guilt to your night – thoughts , where you get lost
and hope the next new day washes away
the pain. So you never have to reach out again
By Kevin Beary
Look. She stares at the mirror , her nose and eyes all red, with the events of the evening swimming in her head.
She wipes her tears , remembering what was said:
How many more times must we fight this fight ? How many more times must you insist you’re right?
Can’t you just listen and try to relate , Instead of feeling like you should escalate ?
I’m trying to talk , to get you to listen , and all you can do is react and threaten.
My words fill up the space between us
When closer , they were… meant to bring us
Do you truly wish to push me away ? Because that’s what will happen to us one day,
and don’t you even dare
you didn’t see it coming , it was there
for all to see.
There was a time when I came first
but now I feel like I am the worst
thing that happened to you, like I’m a curse
A burden you must bear , one you no longer care
to keep …
I dream at night while you sleep
as my mind wanders I often weep
dreaming of a time when I knew you were mine
And wasn’t forced to question , was privy to your intentions,
and there was an air of love that floated me above all the cares of the world, because I was your girl.
But those days are gone , those feelings lost
you never realized how much it cost
when you ground me down , when you simply shut off.
We never talked ’cause we could never talk,and now I feel like I must walk.
And when I say goodbye , you will act like
you don’t know why, but the signs were there , if you just cared
See , it’s not all doom and gloom and heartache
There are countless paths that you can take
If Change you want , its Your life to remake
If you’ve been sleeping , its time to awake
That drive you once had, that thirst to slake
You can have it again , no need to fake
Do it now ! Before it becomes too late
Before keeping up the illusion becomes too much to take
And the walls that protected you begin to break
Make it real, to your core , inviolate
Its’ all up to you so don’t hesitate
Take your life in your hands, make it great
No more head in the sand, its time to create
A new world as whole , not resigned to Fate
Because if its Change you want
Change you must Make.
By Kevin Beary
Try not to obsess , but the same thoughts berate you
But all there is , is me .. in my head , a bully
All there is , is me … a tyrant , who cruelly
kicks the shit out of me – a sadist , truly.
But If I’m there too , how do i not know ?
Why don’t I realize the damage I sow ?
Why don’t I care , about the havoc I wreak ?
Why won’t I stand up ; Why don’t I speak ?
I stick up for others , why won’t i stick up for me ? .
I need cleansing, from this stain inside me
cant be behaving like this pain defines me
if I let it all out , I’m afraid it will finally
dissipate the illusion , of my functioning highly
But all there is , is me , fighting this bully
All there is , is me , enduring gracefully
I must protect me , from myself, absolutely
Because its all up to me , to love myself truly.
By Kevin Beary
This pain i feel ,like my whole world is dying
cold sweat , like my whole body is crying
my emotions are seeping through my pores
the conflictions in me are actively at war
I cant differentiate which grief is which
I cant turn it off , i cant find the switch
I regret the regrets i foresee I’ll feel
when time moves on and changes the deal
when i tally the follies and every poor choice
While the whole world goes by and seems to rejoice
I mourn for what’s past and what hasn’t been
why i don’t know , but I’ll do it again
these feelings seem to affect beyond reason
cant follow thru with anything to completion
So here I remain , stagnant and stunted
This life i chose , i feel like I’ve punted
Is it far too late to change ?
can I let go of my fear ?
how far from safe can i range ?
I’ll never know , Staying Here.
Bye- Kevin Beary
and do it again , and do it again-And as I wrap my head around these thoughts
while they flood my mind and I gasp and cough
I can feel the hollow your presence left
when you de-parted and I was bereft
of a once fulfilling kindred spirit
–breathe and stretch and stretch and breathe
and breathe and stretch and stretch and breathe-
So here I sit and think and meditate
the light of a new life to contemplate
It pours into me while I slowly stretch
and reach that void and fold into its flesh
my own soul, and my will, to my last breath
-breath out the bad breathe in the good
and breath out the bad breathe in the good-
For there is no one to love as one could
if you don’t love yourself first, as you should
There is no worst foe than your own head
where all those self-inflected wounds are bred
and your angst, and fear, and self doubt is fed
-exhale 123 123 now breathe
and do it again , and do it again-
As you sail the sea
towards a vague destination
and despite the speed
it feels like stagnation
Cross the water – choppy
The wind passes , quickly
the distances don’t change
forever constant they range
I now understand the pull….
the draw of the ocean
as the wind massages
and evokes strong emotion
There’s a comfort drawn from the deep
It calls upon your soul
a comforting caress
Just a quick step , a hop , a hurdle
The lady of the ocean is very fertile
as she breeds both life and death
for she can take one’s last breath
The blush of the red sunset
the light it casts
the mood of it
as it breaks the horizon
as it descends
past sight and in silence
the black ocean ascends
greeting you with a cool kiss
as another wave licks
the air beneath your face
and you feel your heart race
and you hear the call of the sea
It’s calling to me
It’s calling to Me
By Kevin Beary
“The last thing I feel like doing are the things I should be doing to make myself feel like doing things.” – Kevin Beary
The forest fresh , a sniff
The wispy breeze , a whiff
The nights’ mistress , a glowing witness
to an eve, in the wooden abyss
The tent lay upon the ground , hard and sound
The sleeping bag and pack , strewn around
Another night, with just the moonlight
flitting amongst the trees ,
messing with your sight
Peering in the dark , Black …. what is that, peering back !?
A reflective light ? Playing on your eyesight ?
Slowly squeeze and squint your eyes
faint and fine …. barely see the outline
Don’t move a muscle …. Shhhhhh…. Do you hear that rustle ?
Pop your ears , Ahhhhhh … now what do you hear ?
A hissssssss , so slight you almost missed it
Slowly turn , all fear resisted
Dont move too fast , easy .. stomach queasy
Dont start nor jump , feel your heart pump
There’s something there , growwllll …. You feel your hair
stand on end , this is a nightmare
Though your minds volcanic , there is no time to panic
You must slowwww your thoughts … This fear you fought
can erupt, and your will – corrupt
Remain steadfast , as time slows past
no sight or sound , ‘cept your temple pound
Ba dum .. Bad um .. ba Doom
Ba dum .. Bad um .. ba Doom
Snap ! Crack … its on the attack
Run ! Run .. scramble and run
Pound the ground , footfalls sound
Crash ! Smash .. thru the brush
Crunch , a bunch of leaves , crushed
Clip , Clop , don’t dare stop
Snap ! Crack.. and don’t ever look back
You should never look back
You can never look back
You will never look back.
By Kevin Beary
There are some times, and at times, someone
that makes you feel like you finally won
the chance at happiness
and the race is done
We are all aware that life is not fair
but one can hope we find somewhere
we can hold as home and
be safe from despair
But its not to be , between you and me
and as much as i hate to be cliché
its not because of you
but because of me
There’s no pain I know worse than no pain at all
when all is numb and you’re in free fall
to the bottom of your soul
with darkness , your wall
My shortcomings caused me to come up short
That wall I built was not enough to support
your attempt to climb
as a last resort
I hold in my head what I hold in my heart
as I over-analyze and replay the part
where I wear out my welcome
when I break us apart
I fear what I’ll feel when i feel what I fear
that crushing guilt of leaving you here
to explain to our friends
and all those who care
I await the weight of these words I say
Will it crush us ; will we still be ok
with all that’s gone on
when we lost our way ?
I told you I’d hold you close and near
to my heart and soul, for many a long year
and I am so sorry
I failed you, my dear.
By Kevin Beary
Though you truly know me not
so these feelings i have fought
but you became my brightest light
one smile from you, sets me aflight
It began with you
I swear, it’s true
and soon you will be told
when I feel I can be bold
and tell you
So now here I come
I feel I’m chasing the sun
My love of life has just begun
I’d like to share with you
Thoughts of you, hottest at night
burns me in my dreams
singes at my seams
this lovers blight , this lovers flight
but when you dream by day
your eyes see clearly
not drugged by the night
sanity hath touch my heart dearly
If i could, id extend the day
to get you to stay
and fill my world
as endless hours with you
My heart is in my throat
so this poem , for you I wrote
My breath you stole away
I long for just one day
Tis true , it’s you , that I adore
and I will shout it evermore
For you are truly my brightest light
And I will no longer hold back, in fright
By Kevin Beary
and then the tearful cries
but just feel distress
contentment , but feel resentment
Not your choice , not really
it could have went so differently
hard to hide that hostility
I’ll do it myself again
its provided me special insight
did you wish i went farther
not one picture , not one with me
they never touched , gap was much too wide
maybe , was just the last gasp of yearning
the struggle wasn’t mine
to protect you from his lies
Negative thoughts , oh negative thoughts
they’re grinding me , blinding me
distorting my reality
Giving up ain’t always a conscious decision
and when the solution’s
more painful then the situation
-its easy to run
When the truth of yourself is known to no one
When getting up is a chore and filled with dread
Sweating your mouth dry and clutching the bed
Make it all disappear ,
Fake it all ’til your clear
Exorcise all your demons
before dealing with your fellow humans
How many masks must we wear
to get through the day ?
Its why the lonely seek solitude
and run away
You know your low when your comfort zone
has shrunk to points unknown
When every day happenings fall outside its scope
When all that your feeling is some negative trope
When you got old without growing up;
you chased the dream , but had to give up
And you don’t have the tools to make the transition
and you find yourself constantly wishing
you can go back without this depression
you’ve paid enough for this lesson
Negative thoughts , oh negative thougts
They’re grinding me , blinding me
Distorting my reality
A happy grunge song by Kevin Beary