The Spiral

It’s hard to let go of the suffering
when its the most familiar friend
When I let my mind go wandering
it always comes back with him.
I used to be able to shake myself loose
There was a time I could more easily refuse
to be dragged down again

But I’m afraid this time , I may find that I

Dug too deep a hole , and the sides are caving in
Can’t get out the way I used to; the paths worn thin
Don’t know if demons are real
But I do know how they feel
and they’re inside this hole within

If you could read my mind
your eyes would fill with tears
and you might suffocate
from breathing in my fears
You may get crushed by the weight
of my emotional debris

Looking through the eyes of the broken
you can finally see

How intensely uncomfortable, it can be,to be me
To walk in my shoes, is like walking in glue
and why bother , when there’s no purpose or
place to be

Don’t know if demons are real
but we do know how they feel
if you understood this completely

By Kevin Beary –

Comfort of the Deep

As you sail the sea
towards a vague destination
and despite the speed
it feels like stagnation

Cross the water – choppy
The wind passes , quickly
the distances don’t change
forever constant they range

I now understand the pull….
the draw of the ocean
as the wind massages
and evokes strong emotion

There’s a comfort drawn from the deep
It calls upon your soul
a comforting caress

Just a quick step , a hop , a hurdle

The lady of the ocean is very fertile

as she breeds both life and death

for she can take one’s last breath

The blush of the red sunset
the light it casts
the mood of it
as it breaks the horizon
as it descends
past sight and in silence
the black ocean ascends
greeting you with a cool kiss
as another wave licks
the air beneath your face
and you feel your heart race
and you hear the call of the sea

It’s calling to me
It’s calling to Me

By Kevin Beary


The mirror mocks me
laughing at me
innocence is gone

Distorted is my reflection
cannot take life’s rejection
how can this go on ?

Rain and Thunder
makes me wonder
but who here can say ?

Life’s addiction
to whom should I pray ?

The Shattered windows of my soul
echo the emptiness inside me
reflections of my past
are mirrored before me

Only now do I know
that there’s no place to go
nowhere to hide

From this Pain inside

 By Kevin Beary 

song circa 1988 –

Once Upon a Time

Lucas stares in horror as the soldiers drag the young woman from her home. He’s just a low ranked medic and has little sway in how the war is conducted. He can simply tremble in both fear and rage as he witnesses atrocity after atrocity. He leans against a stone wall , feeling dizzy with emotion. His normally smooth brown complexion is flushed red with blood and he feels it pounding his temples. For a second, he considers physically confronting these soldiers, who are beginning to rape the young woman. Her simple peasant dress is pulled up over her head and wrapped around her arms, effectively pinning her to the dirty ground. Her legs are thrust apart and she’s kicking the air futilely. They are slapping her and beating her, and one after the other, defile her. 


It was only a few minutes ago that Lucas was cleaning and binding a grunt’s wound when he saw that a group of soldiers had chased some of the enemy into their home. The soldiers were pounding on the door and yelling at the men to come out so they may have their way with them. They were like an angry mob. Suddenly the door opened slightly and a young scared woman was pushed out the door. She fell to the ground in front of the men. Shrieking, she scrambled in mortal fear , scratching across the hot earth on all fours and then franticly banged on the door to be let back in. Trapped , the young woman shrank into a ball and stuffed herself into a corner of the doorway. The men laughed at her and slapped each others backs in celebratory anticipation of what was to come.

Lucas , feeling impotent, headed back to camp. “There is nothing that can be done,” he thought. The General condoned this type of treatment of an enemy. The” ‘Spoils of War’,” he called it. Lucas could only mourn for the young woman, as women who had been raped were considered ruined and worthless, and were typically slaughtered. Only the virgins were saved. Lucas , a child of rape himself , knew only too well how horribly women were treated. His mother was forced to marry the man that raped her. This was a direct order from the General Himself. Lucas grew up in a household where violence was commonplace , his mother receiving the brunt of it. There were countless times he would sneak his mother a cold compress to apply to a split lip or a swollen eye. It was then, as a child , that Lucas swore he would never inflict pain on others and would seek to protect the helpless.

The war has been going on for years and General Adonai was not known for holding back against the enemy. He would release a pestilence upon them if it helped his cause. His soldiers believe him to be mighty and awesome , and feared him ; which was his intent. He had annihilated whole cities simply because they did not recognize his power. This was a common offense , as the many tribes of this region were often loyal to their local generals. In fact most only knew their own leaders and the history of their own peoples. These histories were passed down generation after generation in oral stories and poems. The General would not allow his people to intermingle in any way with the conquered . He had his corporals give great speeches explaining how he did not want his nation to be corrupted by these other peoples’ cultures. He did not want any intermingling of blood and would not allow any intermarriage. He would never make any treaty with them and demanded that our soldiers show the enemy no mercy.

Over the years , Lucas taught himself the discipline of healing so he could relieve suffering. He was becoming a competent physician, but once he was of fighting age, he was conscripted to General Adonai’s army. Refusing to fight , he received many beatings. One day, after such a beating , he dragged himself into the large tent that housed many of the lower soldiers – the weak or infirm. He was observed , by an officer of rank , attending to the other soldiers instead of going to his bed. Most of these men have received some sort of attention from him already. He rechecked bandages , poured olive oil on vicious wounds , or applied the appropriate fruit leaves. The officer recommended him to become the army medic. He no longer had to fight.

Lucas tended the soldiers as per his station , but late at night , he would sneak out into whatever village they were occupying, and attempt to help the abundant sick and injured there. Most of his patients were women or children since most of the men were killed or slaughtered by the General. He would sneak in supplies and clean water and linens for the villagers when he could. One day he even delivered a baby. He gave the woman a special tea he made that would help dull her pain. It wasn’t enough to fully comfort the mother who screamed and cursed while pushing out her child. “I wish women didn’t have to go through such painful childbirth,” Thought Lucas , “What a curse!”

Out of uniform The villagers and the soldiers looked quite similar , as if they were related ; which if you go back a few generations , they were. But you can differentiate them by the missing lobe on the left ear of the soldiers. General Adonai demanded this of his fighting men. Lucas tugged at his ear absentmindedly , a habit he developed , since it was he that currently did the majority of lobe-otomies. Previous men that performed this service took great pride in it, believing they were following the Generals will and that the men were better for it. They were also rough about it. Hard men were quickly brought to tears when a portion of their ear was hacked off by these zealots. “At least we weren’t forced to mutilate an important part of the body,” thought Lucas. He wasn’t happy that he was made to do this , but he knew how to perform the incision precisely, so as not to cause pain. He took the time to apply the herbs necessary for quick healing.

The General had many such rules and demands of his people. Lucas found it amazing that the people were attracted to this life and revered the General with so much zealousness. After all , he micro-managed so much of their life : from their diet, to their dress , to their home life rituals. He demanded absolute cleanliness and ritual cleanings and would cast ‘unclean’ people out. The unclean included women who were considered such during their monthly time of menstruation. “Did he not understand that this was a natural physical process that was necessary for reproduction ?” thought Lucas. He was also very severe in his treatment of his soldiers. If a squad failed to assemble before him for roll call , he would send out elite soldiers to kill them and their families , sparing no one , except of course the virgins. He had quite an obsession with virgins. It was his opinion that the tribes of other nations were not worthy of his land. He ruthlessly moved his armies across the land , wiping out whole peoples. He would burn their altars , chop down their sacred trees , smash their homes to rubble and utterly destroy any remnants of their society.

Occasionally the General didn’t utterly wipe out a city he took in battle. If a city was far from the nation , he would first offer them a peaceful surrender , contingent on them opening  the gates without a fight. Then he would subject them to forced labor and the servitude.  Leaving them to the merices of the people he would leave behind to populate the city. Lucas was in such a city when General Adonai was leading a regiment through the city square, inspecting his new land. Lucas was anesthetizing a slave’s wound with wine, when suddenly rotten pomegranates from the sky began splattering the drab green uniforms of the soldiers. Lucas jumped up to see what was going on. Apparently some of the children , hiding behind wagons or behind their primitive dwellings, were unleashing their impromptu weapons upon the army. Adonai cursed the children and unleashed a pack of vicious army dogs upon them. The dogs ripped the screaming children apart as well as anyone who tried to help them. When the screaming was over, all you heard was the growling and barks of the dogs as they fought over the various body parts. That and the intermittent wailing of the distraught parents. It happened so quickly, Lucas was powerless to help. He could only seethe and curse this General whose ways were so incomprehensible to him. “How does the General rationalize this evil ?” Lucas thought. He claims to have his peoples’ best interest at heart. He considers himself righteous in these actions.

The General wasn’t the only vicious man in the army. There was corporal Sampson. A large ape of a man who was reputed to be a great drunk and a gambler. Lucas , had always avoided him as Sampson had little respect for Lucas’ profession. His attitude was that if you weren’t a fighter , you weren’t a real man. He was always further trying to prove his manhood by attempting relations with every woman who crossed his path. But his great vice was games of chance. One day he was gambling with some of the soldiers and lost everything he had and more. He couldn’t pay his debts so he beseeched the General for help. He was sent into the next village with a small regiment of men. They attacked , killed and robbed the villagers. He returned with his plunder and was able to pay off his debts. Afterwards , Lucas snuck into the town , hoping to find some survivors and nurse them back to health. He was too late. Sobbing , Lucas vowed to find a way to leave the Generals army . He swore he would tell anyone that sought to follow the General about the atrocities the General represented. He would convince such a person that they didn’t need to adopt these ways , and were better off living their life for their own sake. Lucas knew that he wasn’t strong enough to oppose the General and his army physically , but he could reject them absolutely , and live a life of humane morality. He would use his skills to bring good to this world. He did not need rules of conduct to know how to live his life righteously.

Draft II and Outline – Part I

Righteous Rant

I loathe the unscrupulous and common
Detestable is the hypocrisy of the righteous
Repugnant is the idleness of the lazy
and vile are the trespasses of the lying

I deplore the simple and close-minded
Insidious are the movements of the fanatic
Impeachable are the offenses of the selfish
and malicious are the acts of the vengeful

I respect the mind of the curious
Admirable is the restraint of the patient
Noble is the nature of the humble
and saintly are the deeds of the generous

I revere the beauty of the innocent
Exemplary are the acts of the truthful
Angelic is the behavior of the just
and wondrous are the feats of the industrious

3/2005 – Reprint from

Diary of a Duckling

So there I am , a large grey baby bird , strange-looking and out of place, amongst the other cute yellow ducklings.

Awkward and conspicuous , I attempt to hide under Mother Ducks’ wing. I look up and read her face intently , hoping to find assurance but instead see consternation. My heart drops , again , as it is wont to do when I realize how awkward I make others feel. Later , as I’m eating with my brother and sister ducklings , I notice them staring at me with contempt. I seem to eat so much more than they do , and it shows. I’m almost twice their size yet I feel as small as an insect.

Mother ushers us off to the barn to huddle together on the bed of hay. They all huddle together and inch away from me as the night wears on. I make pretend I don’t notice , but I do. I should be used to the feel of tears , wet and warm on my face , as I lay down to sleep. Bedtime seems to be when I can’t hold back the dam any longer, my mask cracks and the tears flow. I hide my face when I cry as I don’t want the others to see me do so , yet I can’t help occasionally letting out a sniffle or a low sob. Maybe I do want them to know how miserable I am. Am I willing to accept pity in place of acceptance ?

Continue reading

Not that cliche’ again

“Everything Happens for a Reason”

I generally cringe when I hear this statement. Unfortunately it is often uttered by someone describing a particularly trying moment of life , preventing me from lashing out and screaming about the misguided hypocrisy of this saying.  If I did thus , for every time I heard this statement , I would be ostracized or beat up or generally despised by the public.  I don’t wish for that reaction , so I generally bite my tongue ….literally.  Pain has a way of bringing focus upon itself to the forefront.  A useful device to be applied in similar situations.   Your welcome.

So , I must see if I can particularly divine the true meaning of this statement (EHFAR)  , and mentally tweak it , so it causes me less consternation. If I could deceive myself into believing that the utterer actually meant -something less ridiculous – I may avoid the social awkwardness and swollen tongue I experience.    I will attempt just that , presently.

So … if the utterer is implying the law of causality , there could be some argument of reason by saying such.  We can easily admit that a cue ball hit into another will cause an equal and opposite reaction. That particular something happened for a reason (or cause) .  This is a simplified statement but some more abstract ideas could be treated as such.  A car accident occurring , whereas one person was driving while texting and the other drinking while driving – and both simultaneously arriving at an intersection , which recently had its stop sign rendered unobservable ,  due to a similar incident. EHFAR.  Cause – Effect 🙂

Unfortunately , that is not the intended connotation of this statement , therefore I  must toil further.

More often this is quoted for the benefit of someone who experienced an undesirable event, and the utterer is attempting to provide comfort. The expected response to this platitude is , ‘Oh , you are so right , that makes it all OK’ – the utterer gets to feel good about providing deep philosophical aid to a person in need.  The unsuspecting recipient of such wisdom is thus endowed with reassurance that all is consistent in the world.

Therefore , it seems to me , this statement really means that everything that happens , occurs for an overarching purpose. It implies that this particular event , no matter how painful or meaningless it seems , was intended to occur and that its benefit shall one day become apparent to the sufferer. .  To follow this thought further , one must assume that there is a purpose-justifier with the ability and omniscience to weave seemingly arbitrary events into a fabric of purposeful cohesion.  Let’s explore this.

Everything ‘is quite an all-inclusive word.   That would require some incredibly intricate planning. Consider all the EVERYTHINGS in the universe INTERACTING with each other every nanosecond …and then each event must fit into this scheme. That would make the word ‘omnipotent’ quite an inept description of this being. Especially when  the universe is considered infinite , which mathematically renders this statement impossible , but we should evade such principles when discussing reality.  I digress….

Let’s be fair and consider that EVERYTHING isn’t what is intentioned by the utterer of this statement. They probably are referring to some , occasional and  particular incidences in a person’s life (applied as capriciously as the Utterer chooses)

Maybe it means traumatic or momentous events such as losing a job , winning a game , getting a job , losing a game.  These incidences occur for a particular purpose according to THE PLAN.  To coordinate the person losing a job , to his/her benefit , with the person getting that job , for purposeful reason , is an amazing feat.  Same applies to the winner/losers of …say , the super bowl.  While the winners Tebow in prayerful triumph , the losers walk away , grasping and gagging on this statement.  Keep in mind , a football team is made up of 100’s of intensely interested parties , besides the hundreds of thousands of fans , whom arguably may be even more intense and invested.  For all this to be DETERMINED and purposeful  is absolutely a MIRACLE , which is truly the belief driving this statement .

One must believe that each occurrence in one’s life is a miraculous event.  Our recognition of reality , that jobs are lost , and games are won , or more deeply that we are finite and will eventually die must be dismissed as explanation for those things occurrence.  We must apply the supernatural to every event in our lives.  Our usual method of cognition cannot be used to explain such.  One must reason that a miracle occurred rather than some other explanation based upon the laws of physics and reality we know.  Believers, even those that are skeptical of this reality , find themselves in another awkward position (religion has a tendency to put one in many such) of having to agree with my hated statement , EHFAR…. despite evidence to the contrary (<—a definition of faith).  Disbelief , from a believer , would allow for the existence of a malevolent creator, which is an obviously unacceptable conclusion.

Well … I don’t believe we achieved our intended goal of deceiving ourselves in any way that will allow for us to react politely to the espousing of EHFAR.

I will therefore attempt another tack.  I will refocus this statement to more closely resemble nature. Life is generally knowable and understandable , it may even be predictable in some ways.   Humankind are wondrous , powerful and resilient creatures.   We are strong enough to accept some harsh realities and overcome.  Good things happen to bad people , and bad things happen to good people.  Yet many events in life , that cause change , can provide the recipient with the chance to adapt positively , or appreciate life more emphatically , or embrace our memories more fully , should they choose to do so.

Instead of relying on someone above ourselves to resolve all our issues, Instead of attempting to discern purpose from life obstacles , or passively accepting them as justifiable  , we should attempt to face them and overcome them , as naturally , and nobly as we are capable.

Kevin Beary


Living for The Moment

We spend our best years preparing for our worst.  We squander our youth and health and potential for the sake of our “golden years”; The time of our lives that are generally typified by deteriorating health , limited physical ability , and a mental tendency to countdown to the end.
Instead of living for the now , we work for the future.  This may not apply to those lucky few who found right livelihood and consider their work fulfilling and in accordance with their life purpose.  The majority of us back into our jobs , careers and relationships unintentionally  ; Unaware of the path that lead there and unmindful of the repercussions that minor choices and happenstance bear upon ones life development.  Many people spend much of their time rationalizing and believing in the temporariness of their current situations , not realizing that many of the roads have now been closed to them.

I’m not saying that there is never any possibility to drastically change ones circumstances, life path, or destination, I’m just saying that they rarely do such.  A detailed and exhuastive investigation into ones life would sleuth out the reasons and situations that caused someone to be where someone ended up.
Realization of this human propensity is a gift typically given only to those that have had earlier opportunities pass them by.  They are generally past that idealic age , that heady time of energy, Idealism, and potential – paired with indecision , inexperience and a lack of wisdom.  The attractiveness of youth is sloughed off by the pumice of wisdom.  It scratches at the supple skin , slowly catching and dragging its shape downward ,  removing the shine of idealism and grinding potential to a nub.
Time as water , is the universal solvent.  All things are powerless against its eroding effects.  It resolves all things given a quantity of it.
Living for the moment doesn’t need to be hedonistic.  One just needs to be cognizant of the moment , simple awareness is a step.  One must be fearless in regards to making decisions that will cause happiness both in the present moment and the future.  Measuring all things by this rule as well as only doing the things that are moral or useful or bring joy. Such is the way to live at any age.

Contemplations of Love

Love is rarely boundless, hesitant reservations still exist in even the most requited relationships.  Permanence is not guaranteed.  Once all potential has diminished to an equal amount compared to ambition, then and only then are the boundaries broadened.  It’s this equilibrium whereupon the foundation of a selfless love can be built.  Prior, there is always a refusal to give oneself fully, even if this reluctance is unknown to the parties involved.

This platform I describe is rarely laid before middle age.     This lends itself as agreement to early philosophical belief that the young cannot know happiness. A full life of experience must first be realized.    One must have passed that moment in their life when the anxiety of ones insecure personal conviction to the relationship is relieved by final faithful acceptance and then cemented into permanence.

It must also coincide with the belief that their partner has reached this same state.  If these plateaus are not reached, the state of flux will always play a factor in the quality of personal happiness each shall experience.

Kevin Beary

Beauty and The Devil

The boast of a man may undo me , and break that charm wished upon me , mortally and permanently.  My father , that adoring fool , in his overreaching affection , has boasted to the king, ‘her youth and  beauty is so great , that her tears alone can restore vigor and health ; It can recapture lost youth upon their drinking.’ I can only hope that the King is not a worse fool for believing it.” Continue reading

The Miser and His Gold

The Miser and his Gold

The shovel cuts through the dirt like a knife through a breast plate.  Repeatedly hacking at a rough patch of ground is a gaunt , gnarled fellow. The wispy strands of hair on his head are drenched as he savagely attacks a widening dirt hole at the base of a large tree.  Sweat rolls between his close knit eyes and off his bulbous nose.  Swearing,  he raises his stringy-muscled arms and stabs the shovel downward,  with great force,  into the pit. The natural blood of the earth spills over the sides of the deep hole.

I must see it.  I cant stop thinking about my precious treasure. His eyes light up at the first glimpse of his hidden prize. I cannot get through the long week without thinking of this moment , when I count my gold.

His lips curl into a leering smile that bares his teeth as he huddles over his hoard , fingering , grasping and clutching each piece of gold coin and muttering to himself. A few moments later , he whips his head around viciously, side to side , peering out into the dark night with suspicious eyes.  He quickly re-buries the treasure , tamping down the loose earth , and covers the area with leaves and brush. No one will ever know about my treasure ! It is mine ….mine …. mine! He giggles maniacally as he scampers away.

A long,  sweet release of breath , from a man who was crouching behind some bushes nearby. Why does he bury this so?  Why would he hide this wonderful gift in a grave?  He could buy a house , or feast like a king.   If he is philanthropic , he could buy someone else a house or feed a family for years.  He doesn’t deserve this money for he does not appreciate its value.  He doesn’t realize that money is not an end in and of itself. It is a means to an end.  I saw his thin , skeletal figure. He is starving himself in the midst of plenty ; I am hungry too , but without such potential means. This crazy man does not possess wealth , it possesses him. One so anxious , cannot be free.  I can free him of his golden shackles.

Quickly , he runs over to the tree , removes the impeding brush , and franticly claws at the dirt  until he reaches the gold.  He fills his deep pockets with gold and runs off.
The next week , the crazy man returns to his golden hole , repeating his ceremony.  When he finds the hole empty,  he tears at his hair , gnashes his teeth and wails in misery.  This commotion invites the townsfolk to gather around him in curiosity.  He screams , ” Who stole my gold ! Who took my precious treasure !”

One of the townsfolk replies incredulously , “You buried your money ??”      The crazy man screams ,”Yes, and it is all gone now , someone has stolen my reason to live , robbed me of my very life.” A townsman in the crowd yells , ” What were you going to do with the gold?  Buy a house or other useful things ?”       “No!” , wails the miserable man , “Nothing could bring me the same pleasure my gold.” A young boy of the town replies, “Why then , you could simply fill it with fools gold and it will all be the same.” “Yes , and your malignant and impotent greed can still be yours.”, exclaimed one of the increasingly agitated townsfolk. Still another shouts out , “What folly ,  to covet that which he renders purposeless.”

By now , the ugly man is in an absolute frenzy. He stomps the ground with great force , one leg , then the other , and then again the other , until he stomped right through the earth to his waist.  In a rage , he grabs his other leg with his knotted hands and yanks so hard he wrenches himself in two.
At the funeral , there were a handful of folk and a preacher.  The preacher, upon finishing a reading of Ecclesiastes 5:8-18 , addresses the small crowd and the simple casket. “No man is born a miser since no man is born with possessions.  The desire to possess is a learned lesson , improperly taught by those that feel that money is the aim of ones life.  This man died , twisted in these beliefs.  The worth of a life cannot be measured by money.  The two are not commensurate.  Money has no value , except that which we give it, and only that with which it can be exchanged for.  Life has a value , an intrinsic value, just by its existence


By Kevin Beary