“The last thing I feel like doing are the things I should be doing to make myself feel like doing things.” – Kevin Beary
– Patience and Kindness
Patience requires Perseverance
Perseverance requires Endurance
Endurance requires Hope
Hope requires Patience
Kindness requires Tenderness
Tenderness requires perspective
Perspective provides Understanding
Understanding introduces introspection
Introspection produces Empathy
Empathy induces Kindness
I miss love ….SO MUCH. Its heartbreaking to feel like you will never again have that feeling of being loved and loving back. I want love, I want it so badly. And when i think of it , I think of you , and when i think of you in that way, my heart drops and I’m crushed all over again. Seems to be no span of time that allows me to miss it less and not feel its ache. Sometimes I feel like I can’t bear it but I still wake up every morning and start again ; to distract myself from the one thing i really want. Companionship and Love. I wish I didn’t have to experience such a harsh lesson – losing you – to come to this realization.
<wrote these thoughts in 2012 – decided to share now>
Feel like I came this close ][ to happiness , but I just couldn’t quite grasp it. Its like being on the way back up from a bungee cord fall , where you can never quite reach the top again – arms out – its just beyond your grasp.
I cannot begin to comprehend the pain the affected families are feeling. Reading all the reactions from the horrified citizens of our country literally has me in tears tonight. I hope those poor families come to know that they don’t grieve alone.
It is encouraging to see the stark contrast between the few sick maniacs of this world and the world-wide community at large. Our society is grieved by tragedies like these and Angry at the growing number of horrific events that should not be , especially in a supposedly enlightened age as ours.
Twitter and other social media are abuzz, and inevitably some posts and discussions have turned political. There are many angry responses to some whom posted political opinions , in response to this situation, during this time of mourning. Too soon ? I don’t know, isn’t that what politics really is. A system to allow individuals in a society to relate to one another. I find it extremely appropriate to express themselves in that way , whether I/we agree with the individual opinions , or not. Parents and the childless alike , we are all absolutely united in denouncing horrors like these , and are all empathetic to the victims and their families.
I hope we can someday come to a consensus on how to fairly relate to each other and protect each other, in this fragile existence of ours.
“ANY DONATIONS MADE TO NEWTOWN YOUTH AND FAMILY SERVICES WILL BE DONATED DIRECTLY TO THOSE EFFECTED BY THE SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL SHOOTING.”
I just can’t shake this shitty feeling these last few days. It has manifested physically , I feel waves of it , It starts as pressure at the backs of my eyes , as if to cause tears , and then rides down to my chest , tightening it , and sinks into my gut as that pit of stomach empty feeling.
Then some moments go by , and it repeats. My thoughts are black and gloomy, not nearly the upbeat optimism and enthusiasm that I have exuded for months now.
I think its fear and anger , self loathing , regret and pessimism. It has sapped my energy. I want to blame somebody , but I think its my own head creating this for me.
I’m gonna give it a good talking to , I think. I am going to force myself to do something active , to distract myself. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I am in control , I guide my destiny and happiness. Snap the fuck out of it , Kevin.
The Reality is that most problems are amorphous and temporary , the more you contemplate them , the more they seem solid , but as soon as you decide they are not worth your mind , one swat and they dissipate.
“Everything Happens for a Reason”
I generally cringe when I hear this statement. Unfortunately it is often uttered by someone describing a particularly trying moment of life , preventing me from lashing out and screaming about the misguided hypocrisy of this saying. If I did thus , for every time I heard this statement , I would be ostracized or beat up or generally despised by the public. I don’t wish for that reaction , so I generally bite my tongue ….literally. Pain has a way of bringing focus upon itself to the forefront. A useful device to be applied in similar situations. Your welcome.
So , I must see if I can particularly divine the true meaning of this statement (EHFAR) , and mentally tweak it , so it causes me less consternation. If I could deceive myself into believing that the utterer actually meant -something less ridiculous – I may avoid the social awkwardness and swollen tongue I experience. I will attempt just that , presently.
So … if the utterer is implying the law of causality , there could be some argument of reason by saying such. We can easily admit that a cue ball hit into another will cause an equal and opposite reaction. That particular something happened for a reason (or cause) . This is a simplified statement but some more abstract ideas could be treated as such. A car accident occurring , whereas one person was driving while texting and the other drinking while driving – and both simultaneously arriving at an intersection , which recently had its stop sign rendered unobservable , due to a similar incident. EHFAR. Cause – Effect 🙂
Unfortunately , that is not the intended connotation of this statement , therefore I must toil further.
More often this is quoted for the benefit of someone who experienced an undesirable event, and the utterer is attempting to provide comfort. The expected response to this platitude is , ‘Oh , you are so right , that makes it all OK’ – the utterer gets to feel good about providing deep philosophical aid to a person in need. The unsuspecting recipient of such wisdom is thus endowed with reassurance that all is consistent in the world.
Therefore , it seems to me , this statement really means that everything that happens , occurs for an overarching purpose. It implies that this particular event , no matter how painful or meaningless it seems , was intended to occur and that its benefit shall one day become apparent to the sufferer. . To follow this thought further , one must assume that there is a purpose-justifier with the ability and omniscience to weave seemingly arbitrary events into a fabric of purposeful cohesion. Let’s explore this.
‘Everything ‘is quite an all-inclusive word. That would require some incredibly intricate planning. Consider all the EVERYTHINGS in the universe INTERACTING with each other every nanosecond …and then each event must fit into this scheme. That would make the word ‘omnipotent’ quite an inept description of this being. Especially when the universe is considered infinite , which mathematically renders this statement impossible , but we should evade such principles when discussing reality. I digress….
Let’s be fair and consider that EVERYTHING isn’t what is intentioned by the utterer of this statement. They probably are referring to some , occasional and particular incidences in a person’s life (applied as capriciously as the Utterer chooses)
Maybe it means traumatic or momentous events such as losing a job , winning a game , getting a job , losing a game. These incidences occur for a particular purpose according to THE PLAN. To coordinate the person losing a job , to his/her benefit , with the person getting that job , for purposeful reason , is an amazing feat. Same applies to the winner/losers of …say , the super bowl. While the winners Tebow in prayerful triumph , the losers walk away , grasping and gagging on this statement. Keep in mind , a football team is made up of 100’s of intensely interested parties , besides the hundreds of thousands of fans , whom arguably may be even more intense and invested. For all this to be DETERMINED and purposeful is absolutely a MIRACLE , which is truly the belief driving this statement .
One must believe that each occurrence in one’s life is a miraculous event. Our recognition of reality , that jobs are lost , and games are won , or more deeply that we are finite and will eventually die must be dismissed as explanation for those things occurrence. We must apply the supernatural to every event in our lives. Our usual method of cognition cannot be used to explain such. One must reason that a miracle occurred rather than some other explanation based upon the laws of physics and reality we know. Believers, even those that are skeptical of this reality , find themselves in another awkward position (religion has a tendency to put one in many such) of having to agree with my hated statement , EHFAR…. despite evidence to the contrary (<—a definition of faith). Disbelief , from a believer , would allow for the existence of a malevolent creator, which is an obviously unacceptable conclusion.
Well … I don’t believe we achieved our intended goal of deceiving ourselves in any way that will allow for us to react politely to the espousing of EHFAR.
I will therefore attempt another tack. I will refocus this statement to more closely resemble nature. Life is generally knowable and understandable , it may even be predictable in some ways. Humankind are wondrous , powerful and resilient creatures. We are strong enough to accept some harsh realities and overcome. Good things happen to bad people , and bad things happen to good people. Yet many events in life , that cause change , can provide the recipient with the chance to adapt positively , or appreciate life more emphatically , or embrace our memories more fully , should they choose to do so.
Instead of relying on someone above ourselves to resolve all our issues, Instead of attempting to discern purpose from life obstacles , or passively accepting them as justifiable , we should attempt to face them and overcome them , as naturally , and nobly as we are capable.
Nature cannot be bested by prose or verse. The descriptions are at best , inferior reflections of ultimate reality. Even an exaggeration of reality can only be verbalized by the best descriptions we have for a higher subject , which still falls short. No- living it , by far , surpasses all incantations. So Live.
I started thinking about this and decided that he was wrong. A crystal ball would be very bad for the investors !
Sure , it might start off all grand and wonderful , but eventually exuberance will outweigh common sense. (Can you say irrational exuberance) The proprietor of said ball will inevitably get greedy. He may start pulling family and friends in; Recommend selling off safe assets ,or borrowing from credit cards to invest in the crystal ball infused scheme.
The market will rise in the areas of all the good bets. Investors without a ball, will inevitably notice how well some stocks are doing, and continue to drive up the price creating a bubble. This bubble will burst. Ball holders may anticipate this and pull out in time ; But at what expense to the market , and the economy and other investors ? Eventually that crystal ball will only tell you not to invest in the market that the ball ironically destroyed. Thats NOT a boon for investors.
And how long do you think this crystal ball would remain secret. Come on , Iran can`t even keep nuclear secrets, and they are VERY secretive. Iraq couldn`t keep its secrets about hidden weapons of massive destruction……oh wait …bad example. Obama couldn`t keep the secret that he thinks Kenye West is a jackass , despite his abuse of official power , attempting to censor the press. “Come on guys , cut the president some slack and don`t print that , I have a lot on my plate today”
So we know that eventually the crystal ball will no longer be secret. The powerful will find a way to benefit at the expense of everyone else , outrageous bonuses will be handed out right after the layoff announcements. Unemployment, High gas prices , queues for bread etc ; will ensue.
Then the chinese will figure out how to reverse engineer it and sell it on the black market. It will be about this time that the burst bubble will become a supernova sucking everything in causing chaos and anarchy and religious fanaticism. The apocalypse is here.
Stupid idea , that crystal ball.
Reprint from old blog 10/09
We spend our best years preparing for our worst. We squander our youth and health and potential for the sake of our “golden years”; The time of our lives that are generally typified by deteriorating health , limited physical ability , and a mental tendency to countdown to the end.
Instead of living for the now , we work for the future. This may not apply to those lucky few who found right livelihood and consider their work fulfilling and in accordance with their life purpose. The majority of us back into our jobs , careers and relationships unintentionally ; Unaware of the path that lead there and unmindful of the repercussions that minor choices and happenstance bear upon ones life development. Many people spend much of their time rationalizing and believing in the temporariness of their current situations , not realizing that many of the roads have now been closed to them.
I’m not saying that there is never any possibility to drastically change ones circumstances, life path, or destination, I’m just saying that they rarely do such. A detailed and exhuastive investigation into ones life would sleuth out the reasons and situations that caused someone to be where someone ended up.
Realization of this human propensity is a gift typically given only to those that have had earlier opportunities pass them by. They are generally past that idealic age , that heady time of energy, Idealism, and potential – paired with indecision , inexperience and a lack of wisdom. The attractiveness of youth is sloughed off by the pumice of wisdom. It scratches at the supple skin , slowly catching and dragging its shape downward , removing the shine of idealism and grinding potential to a nub.
Time as water , is the universal solvent. All things are powerless against its eroding effects. It resolves all things given a quantity of it.
Living for the moment doesn’t need to be hedonistic. One just needs to be cognizant of the moment , simple awareness is a step. One must be fearless in regards to making decisions that will cause happiness both in the present moment and the future. Measuring all things by this rule as well as only doing the things that are moral or useful or bring joy. Such is the way to live at any age.
There’s a new view from the wrong side of the hill. Yes , the view is changed , but this viewer has not. I do not feel all that far removed from my younger self. In fact , except for a few dysfunctionalities and questionable choices, my early adulthood self would totally hang with me. We would get quite drunk together and dip our toes into all sorts of mischief.
I will admit some of the focus is different. I used to look up and out ; I am now more comfortable to stare straight and maybe slightly to the side. I still have aspirations , but most are aimed at not falling backwards, rather then at rising to ever greater heights.
There is also the gnawing feeling that I have missed some sort of boat that would’ve carried me to an island of meaning. But I do have enough life experience and wisdom to realize that the greenest grass isn’t always the one un-trampled upon.
I have regrets , some of those have recently unfolded in the most dramatic and traumatic event in my otherwise charmed life. I had not expected this outcome , but should have forseen it, As they say , hindsight is 20/20.
Mostly , I see an uptick in life happiness at this stage of my life. Barring another traumatic shock to my existence , I expect further mastery of my volatile emotions, leading to contentment, acceptance and gratitude for this life i’ve been lucky enough to live , and hopefully will continue to do so for at least another 40.
Love is rarely boundless, hesitant reservations still exist in even the most requited relationships. Permanence is not guaranteed. Once all potential has diminished to an equal amount compared to ambition, then and only then are the boundaries broadened. It’s this equilibrium whereupon the foundation of a selfless love can be built. Prior, there is always a refusal to give oneself fully, even if this reluctance is unknown to the parties involved.
This platform I describe is rarely laid before middle age. This lends itself as agreement to early philosophical belief that the young cannot know happiness. A full life of experience must first be realized. One must have passed that moment in their life when the anxiety of ones insecure personal conviction to the relationship is relieved by final faithful acceptance and then cemented into permanence.
It must also coincide with the belief that their partner has reached this same state. If these plateaus are not reached, the state of flux will always play a factor in the quality of personal happiness each shall experience.